When Words land like Bruises: The impact of Verbal and Emotional Pain in Relationships
- Counselor Keri Aschoff, LPC, NCC
- Apr 2
- 5 min read
In the counseling room, I often sit with people who are trying to make sense of relationship interactions that leave them feeling hurt, confused, and questioning themselves… because what happened was verbal and emotionally hurtful, and instead of it being acknowledged, it keeps getting minimized, dismissed, or turned back on them.
So what does this kind of interaction feel like in the moment? Imagine someone gets punched in the arm.
Not hard enough to break anything.
But enough to sting. Enough to leave a mark.
The natural response?
They pull back and react. They might say, “Hey, that hurt.”
Now imagine the person who did the punching responds with,
“See… this is exactly what I mean. I can’t do anything right around you.”
Do you see it?.... This is the moment the focus shifts.
Not to the impact of the punch (the action).
But to the discomfort of being called out (the reaction).
And over time, something subtle but powerful begins to happen.
The person who was hurt can start questioning themselves.
Was I too sensitive?
Maybe it wasn’t that bad.
Maybe I should not have reacted like that.
Or… they stop speaking up altogether.
Not because it no longer hurts.
But because it feels pointless.
Or worse, it feels like it creates more problems than it solves.
Or because speaking up somehow becomes the bigger problem than the hurt the words inflicted itself.
Because when the original harm is minimized, the mind starts trying to make sense of it another way.
And too often, that “way” turns inward.
And on the other side, the person who caused the pain becomes increasingly focused on the reaction rather than the action.
Their narrative may become,
“I feel criticized.”
“I feel like nothing I do is enough.”
But here is the part we need to slow down and really look at.
Feeling bad about your hurtful behavior is not the same thing as being harmed by that hurtful behavior.
There is a difference between:
“I feel uncomfortable because I hurt someone and they reacted to that hurt,”
versus “I am being hurt.”
Those are not the same.
One is an invitation for reflection on the action that triggered the reaction.
The other is a signal for protection.
Now think about what that “punch” actually looks like in these situations. It is not a fist. It is with words. Or with the silent treatment.
It is being called names in the middle of a conversation.
It is a condescending tone that makes you feel small.
It is being mocked, dismissed, or talked down to.
It is criticism that cuts at who you are, not what happened.
It is manipulation that twists the moment until you are the one explaining yourself.
It is threats, direct or subtle, that keep you on edge.
It is the angry silent treatment designed to quietly attack you to invisibility. (Not the kind of space used to deescalate, process and improve the situation).
It is gaslighting that makes you question your own memory of what just happened.
That is the hit.
In the counseling room, I have worked with people on both sides of this dynamic.
People who have learned to silence their pain to keep the peace.
And people who genuinely do not realize how often they are responding to feedback instead of taking responsibility for the impact they caused.
This is where potential healing and growth lives.
Because resolution and healing does not begin when someone says,
“Why are you reacting like that?” This does not improve or repair the situation.
It begins when they can pause and say,
“Wait… did I hurt you?”
Own it, repair, reconnect and make changes to improve. Because the best apology is not necessarily words (though those help). The best apology is changed behavior.
And if you are the one reading this who has been on the receiving end…
Therapy is where you begin to untangle what actually happened to you.
Where you can finally say, “That hurt,”
without immediately questioning yourself.
Where you learn that you are not being too sensitive because you are hurt repeatedly.
Where you stop carrying responsibility for someone else’s
discomfort when it came from your honesty about their hurtful actions.
And where you begin to find your voice again…
with clarity, not confusion.
Because when words have landed like bruises for long enough,
you do not just need insight.
You need kindness and support to heal
what should have never been minimized in the first place.
And if they won't apologize or change their behavior?
You can still heal.
You can still move forward.
You can still rebuild your life with healthy boundaries and finding yourself again.
Even when the apology you deserve doesn't come.
Kindness within. Healing begins.
..............................
About the Author – Keri Aschoff, LPC, NCC
Keri Aschoff is the founder of Kind Works Counseling, where she helps adults and adolescents who are navigating stress overload, burnout, life hardships, trauma, and chronic health conditions. On the outside, many of her clients look like they are doing well. On the inside, it can feel exhausting trying to keep up, make sense of what they are feeling, or figure out how to move forward.
If you are the one others rely on… the one who keeps going, figures things out, and carries more than most people realize… you are the kind of person Keri works with every day.
Some clients come in experiencing trauma and other life-hardships. Others would describe it as a buildup of difficult stressful life experiences that have taken a toll over time. Either way, Keri helps clients understand why their mind and body are responding the way they are, and what to do about it.
A significant part of her work includes supporting individuals and families living with chronic or serious illness, especially dysautonomia such as POTS. She approaches this work with the understanding that these conditions are real, physical, and often misunderstood. At the same time, the emotional impact, unpredictability, and loss of control that come with them deserve care, attention, and practical support.
Keri’s approach is integrative and grounded in both neuroscience and real-life application. She helps clients untangle patterns that keep them feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or reactive, while building ways to respond that actually fit their life.
Her work blends EMDR, CBT, DBT, somatic and body-based strategies, and nervous system-informed care in a way that is clear, practical, and not overwhelming.
She is EMDR trained, a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and is currently pursuing her PhD in Health Sciences with a focus in Trauma-Informed Care. Her work centers on helping clients experience more clarity, more control, and a renewed sense that change is possible.
Keri Aschoff, LPC, NCC – Kind Works Counseling
📞 929-777-5463 (KIND)
📍 In-person therapy in Katy, TX and virtual sessions throughout Texas
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